The Mother of all Months

Last year a wrote a blog about how and why October for me is the absolute mother of all months. Everything "big" for me is in October... My daughters birthday is at the beginning of October and it is also the month of Rett syndrome awareness. My sons birthday is also in October and it just so happens it lands in baby loss awareness week. It's a jam packed month, making me, rather reluctantly, jam packed full of emotions.

Over the last 6 years Iv learnt to surrender to emotions and I've become quite aware of where they come from and why.

Mine all mix up together into a nice big dollop of anxiety right in the pit of my stomach.

Delightful.

Anxiety is really quite inconvenient. It latches on to really random places in your life. I've probably said it before, but for me, anxiety impacts my confidence in my abilities in things. Right down to questioning whether I make a decent cup of coffee.

So October is the month where this becomes quite a common occurance. My month of anxiety.

I've noticed in the worst moments of this I will even start apologising for walking into a room if others are there.

Oh anxiety you miserable mistress.

Each year I am ever hopeful that the anniversary of my sons death won't have such an impact, that it will soften over the years.

It doesn't. Instead, the impact and feelings that come with his anniversary become more familiar, and with that comes a different type of ease.

Familiarity with these feelings has allowed me to fight them less... Instead they flow.

My daughters birthday is 10 days before Arthurs.

Niamhs birthday brings another flood of emotions for its own unique reasons. The gratitude each year that I feel on her birthday is always in abundance. But I also acknowledge the fact that she is still here. That Rett syndrome hasn't taken control, like it does for so many others, and that, forgive my frankness, she is still alive.

The stark reality for mothers who's children have rett syndrome is that we will outlive them. There is no cure , and rett syndrome can have hurrendous implications.

That thought isn't one I spend time on. It isn't a healthy place to sit. It's a "what if" that will take you down a dark path.

Her birthday is a celebration with some real added extras.

October brings to the fore my fears.

It is the month that has me looking straight in to the eye of my storm. It has taken me a few years to not hold heavy resentment towards October… because actually, this month… this mother of all months, although filled with memories, represents something really rather beautiful.

Strength.

October is the month I pour a glass and toast my beautiful children for their incredible gift of strength they have given me. They have given it to me in the bucket load and I am eternally grateful.

Here's to you, Arthur & Niamh, the souls that have brought such strength to my life.

And to October. You beautiful storm. I’ll see you again next year.