Life & Death

Something has been praying on my mind a lot. It’s a subject that as humans we aren’t too great with. Yet it is the only thing in life that we know for definite. Death. 

The word itself is pretty gut punching. Offensive almost, and I think for most it is exceptionally emotive. 

The simplicity of it is that in one moment we are here and the next, we are not. Not in the physical sense of “here” at least. 

With death comes grief. We grieve for those that we love that aren’t here anymore. We miss them. 

Someone once gave me an explanation of grief, they said “Grief hurts so much because all the love you can’t give that person hits you at once and it’s all consuming.” I felt that.

We all know death is inevitable, however we have this expectation that we will die old. When our bodies have worn out and no longer work. I mean, that’s certainly my expectation. Yet for the majority that isn’t how it is. 

I have my own experiences of loss. As we all do. My most personal experience is one that sits in a bit of a grey area. 

When Arthur died he was 42 weeks old. He died before he was actually “born” , he died in my belly whilst I was in labour with him. I was grieving his death whilst I gave birth to him. 

It’s a real brainfuck of an experience. ( To put it bluntly)

I never saw him open his eyes. So to this day I have no idea what colour they would have been. 

I never got to hold him whilst he lived.

Yet I held him, a perfectly formed 9 pounds 3 baby. He was beautiful, but he wasn’t alive. 

My grief though I think is so similar to that of anyone who loses anyone close, at whatever age. 

Without wanting to make huge assumptions, we grieve what was & what could have been. What we don’t get to experience with them. Whether friend or family, suddenly there is a hole where they once were or should have been. They leave an emptiness. 

As I’ve journeyed through my loss and grief I have come to realise something I feel is quite poignant. 

Before I say it I want you to know this might not resonate with you. And I can safely say in the early stages of my grief what I’m about to say would have gone down like a ton of bricks had someone said it to me. So I take no offence if you disagree. 

But without death? Life would have no value. 

Without death? We wouldn’t have gratitude or such a fierce value for people. 

I’ve said it before , but without fear of sounding like a stuck record… my experience of my son’s death changed me for the better. I value things like never before. I am grateful beyond belief for some of the smallest wins. I see him in everything great and good. 

Of course a lot of what I’m writing about is also based on what I believe. Of course our beliefs are individual to us and I fully respect that. 

I strongly believe in a life after death. I believe that there is a “heaven” and that life after our time on this planet is beautiful, pure peace, love and joy. I also believe that those that have “died” are always around us from that other place. We just aren’t familiar with the signs of contact that they give.

I truly believe that Arthur is around, his spirit is continuing its journey in a far more exquisite place. But my human heart still aches that I got such a short time with him. It aches of all the things I’ve missed out on with him. 

My beliefs don’t take away from my own personal grief. However they do make me feel at ease that I know he is happy and well. 

That doesn’t take away the feelings of loss. But I know that that feeling is due to his incredible value and importance to me. I believe there is something exceptionally beautiful in that. 

Too love is to be vulnerable to pain. Without the risk of loss we would never know the extent of how much we Love.

Without Darkness we could never see the light. 

There is a sense of fear that is rippling through the world , for understandable reason. 

A Pandemic is killing people. Making death more “in our faces” than perhaps normal? 

Its creating fear, its creating anger, its creating hostility. 

Without wanting to sound unrealistic, surely it should be creating love instead? We should be loving more, being more grateful for the small stuff, gaining more perspective?

Don’t get me wrong, this journey on earth is tough, I get that, and right now we are all stressed and worried. But I worry the fear will drown us and we will miss out. 

All we have is now. And I for one? All I want to do is love. 

I don’t want the fear to take hold. I don’t want to lose sight of why we are all really here.

These times we are in seem dark. There is a lot of unknowns and a lot of darkness. But I believe in all this, there is light breaking through. Some days we might not see it. We might miss it. But it is important to look for it. Just the littlest glimmer. 

These are the times to love the biggest, I think that’s what we all need right now.