Arthur

The Soul that changed my life. 

My son.  Arthur.

The hardest thing is having nothing to hold on too. No memories. No photos. 

I don’t know what colour his eyes were, I don’t know what his little voice would have sounded like. 

I don’t know what it would have felt like to have his little arms wrap around me for a cuddle, or what he would have smelt like. 

What his favourite colour would have been. 

What his little laugh would have sounded like. 

I ache for memories, in the depths of my soul. 

I’d have taken just a year with him, a month even, just something. Anything. 

Missing someone you never quite knew is seemingly unfathomable. 

Especially when they are your flesh and blood. 

I feel guilty that I should know more about him. 

I want to be able to bring him up in conversation and talk about something we did together. 

Because, if I don’t talk about him, he might think I’ve forgotten about him. 

Seven years. 

It’s been seven years. 

If I take myself back there I can remember everything. 

It doesn’t fade. 

You place it gently in a box in the back of your head. 

But it’s all there. If I lift the lid , it’s all as clear a day. 

Loss doesn’t leave you. Grief doesn’t leave you. 

You don’t get over it. You learn to live with it.

And the real truth?  

It only gets harder. And somehow within it you still keep going.

I don’t understand it particularly. The ebb and flow of grief is ever evolving.

But each new year brings another “birthday”. Another year of trying so hard to imagine what he would be like and what we may have been doing. What he might have wanted for his birthday if he was here. 

Another year of wishing I had something to be able to talk about, a memory. 

I just want one memory. I’d take just one. 

I want to be able to stand in front of people on his birthday and toast his life. Even if it had been short. 

No one wants to hear about the harrowing experience of what wasn’t quite to be. 

The trauma of not making it earth-side alive.

That’s not how it is supposed to be. 

As September rapidly moves forward , I feel myself searching my soul for anything to relieve the sadness. One little memory.

But, Instead, I pray.

I pray you are happy, safe, feel loved. 

I pray that you know I love you. 

I pray that you know I think of you every day.

I pray that you know I miss you to my core. 

You changed my world entirely. 

I’m so sorry we never got to know each other properly. 

I’m so sorry I never got to be your mother in this world.

Happy seven years in heaven

Until our souls meet again.