And so it is.

I’ve spent exactly 153 days waiting.

I had been anxiously distracted and trying to not play every scenario possible out in my head.

As the fourth month came and went, I found out that the genetics team had been running behind and I had to surrender to the fact I could no longer play this waiting game as I had been. I had to completely let it go.

Sometimes this can only happen when you have completely and utterly emotionally exhausted yourself.

Yesterday the wind blew strong and warm. There was an energy in the air that only comes about when the weather is about to change. I could smell the storm. It is by far one of my most favourite smells.

I hadn’t given the results a second thought. I had been out on the farm doing my daily chores.

I was stood in the field having just let off the horses and was watching them graze.

My phone rang in my pocket.

A familiar number but not one I had saved.

The wind was so strong that as I answered I could barely hear the caller. Turning my head away from the wind I could hear the voice say “Its Dr Whiting here, I’ve just received Niamh’s genome results”

I’ve been gearing myself up for this for 5 months.  Before that I had just buried my head in the sand. But this was it, this was the day clarity entered the equation. However that was going to present itself.

CLARITY.

No hiding. No grey areas. No ifs,  buts or maybes.

“It’s not you Alice, nor Niamh’s Father. You are not carriers of anything.”

I Have spent 8 Years thinking there is something wrong with me. I’ve tried to bury it in a facade of smiles. But I have been riddled with it. Waves of Guilt and anguish that I had done this to my daughter, and even my son.

My relationship with myself has been toxic. I’ve believed myself unlovable, non-deserving, un-worthy and completely inadequate.

As Her words ran through my body I could feel the guilt leaving , the wind taking it with it as it blew around me.

I can’t remember the last time I felt that free.

As life would have it , sometimes these things just happen.

The reason my son left the earth so soon, the reason my daughter is as Unique in her life path as she is , isn’t my doing. It just goes that way sometimes.

They Chose me. They Chose me to be their mother.

Yesterday I drew a line in the sand.

No more guilt. No more hatred towards myself.

Just Love.

From now on I sit and honour my journey with them. That they chose me and what they are teaching me.

Here is to Arthur and Niamh…to our next chapter.

And so… it is…