Fear

I’ve Started four different “blogs” since my last one , and I didn’t finish one of them. I had heaps to write but also couldn’t get it down. I’ve had a bit of a block.

I couldn’t put my finger on what it was , But this morning , whilst I was mucking out the horses and I was thinking, ( side note, I get most of my thinking done whilst I’m mucking out, if anyone ever needs to let your thoughts flow? I suggest shovelling shit) I had a clarity of what it all was.

Everything I’ve started writing about and then abruptly halted has all had the same underlining theme.

Fear.

The majority of us ( I’m assuming) have a list of fears that we could reel off. Basic fears that are usually quite relatable.

Heights, Spiders, planes/flying , failure, death. (to name a few )

Fear is what stops us taking risks. There is a balance point in our fear to bravery ratio that if tipped to far to the side of fear,we bail, we opt out, we don’t go there.

This is not just physical acts, this is emotional too.

The fear of rejection, the fear of being alone, the fear of vulnerability. The fear of not being liked/loved.

Is it to bold a statement to say that the majority of our choices in life are based on that fear to bravery ratio?

Some fears we don’t even know we have until the situation that we fear is actually happening. This is because it isn’t something we’ve either ever known about, or we just haven’t ever thought it’s something that could happen to us.

Sometimes even if something scary has happened to us and there is an explanation to why it happened, we still do not trust that it won’t happen again. The fear of what we have experienced doesn’t really leave us. We consciously or subconsciously avoid putting ourselves in situations that mean we have to feel that feeling of fear.

The unknown of life’s journey can be pretty fear-inducing when you really start to think deeply about it.

People fear the lack of control we have over so many things that can happen. (I’m one of those people)

My Experiences as a mother weren’t things that had ever entered my mind as potential outcomes.

Still Birth and rare diseases aren’t experiences and possibilities that people like to talk too much about. They are scary and uncomfortable.

No pregnant mother wants to talk too much about them as quite frankly they are petrifying to acknowledge and the fact we have such little control over the outcome, if we thought too much about it, I think we would all probably avoid the risk.

But I am a walking example of these two outcomes. Those that know my history will also be aware of those two experiences and that makes them very real for others. The reality of my narrative often shocks people, saddens people, but also in some cases, it creates a fear for them also.

“I hope that doesn’t happen to me”

I had someone once say to me after I had told them what had happened,  “No one is going to want to be with you after that are they!”  Granted , the person was a grade A arse hole. But still, humans naturally have thoughts that mean in some cases this is quite true.

It’s important to recognise the uncomfortable truths that come with my experiences.

People will think, regardless of any genetic testing, that there is something not quite right with me.

People will avoid discussing pregnancy with me as I am a representation of everything scary that no-one wants to experience.

When it comes to Motherhood, I am an representation of what we Fear.

However.

Without the Dark we wouldn’t see the light.

And amongst all my thoughts this morning whilst I shovelled stables of shit I had this other realisation.

Without Fear? We wouldn’t have the opportunity to be Brave.

BRAVERY.

Amongst our humans thoughts, the good, the bad, the ugly, we are also exceptionally fucking Brave.

We are risk takers, sometimes taking big risks, the ones that make us dig into the bravery we never knew we had. Other times? Little risks, the risks that just give us a butterfly or two.

We take risks from the moment we are born.

Our bravery to allow ourselves to live freely and experience all aspects of life is a daily thing.

To be Brave is to have fears.

Ok so it’s all relative. I get that. What isn’t? But to live without our past experiences restricting our future choices takes bravery.

Failure is something society loves to fear. The List of what failure looks like is endless.

But I think the truth is, there isn’t such a thing as failure, and we certainly shouldn’t fear it.

To fail is to try, and in my eyes?

Well I think that to try is a truly brave thing.