Expectations

When we have babies we have an expectation of how it will be.

We imagine all the things we will do with them and all the mile stones they will reach. We think about what they will be like, will they be good at school? What will their hobbies be?

Then when we think really far ahead we think about if or when they might get married. Will they have their own children? What career will they choose?

These little thoughts flit through your mind and bring a sense of excitement, possibly a little anxiety to go with it... But still... There is a hope and expectation.

I of course had all sorts of idealistic mummy daughter goals. We would ride together, hunt together. I was very excited at the thought that perhaps she might want to do pony club too like I did. The fun of those outings!

I had heaps of wonderful thoughts of our times together.

Of course for N and I our wonderful times together are not what I had expected.

My thoughts about the future are also completely different from what they where before Rett syndrome.

That is what I grieve.

The grieving is for what I thought we would be doing that we won't.

Expectations cause disappointments.

I expected to experience my daughter calling me mummy and walking over to cuddle me when she wanted to.

I expected to experience my daughter putting her hand into mine and holding it tight.

I expected to experience mile stones just like everyone else and I haven't.

That is where my grief sits. I miss things I haven't ever experienced.

It's hugely selfish isn't it? A moment of self pity of what is and what could have been.

Without that expectation I wouldn't feel that grief. So Iv started to practice parking it. Placing it next to me... Its there but I don't need to sit in it all the time. Instead I practice sitting in a place of no expectations.

When I am there, do you know what I feel?.... Gratitude.

What I have experienced with my daughter has been nothing but pure magic. It hasn't been the same as what most others experience as parents... But that hasn't made it any less of memory or experience.

So far we have had the most wonderful times together, memories that are as momentous and beautiful as all are.

What about the future? The expectation of that?

A balance.

A balance between hope and allowing.

"What will be will be…and it will be beautiful in its uniqueness.”

And I will always have hope.

I will always hope that one day my daughter will be able to hold my hand... But for now and always... I relish in the fact that I am able to hold hers.