Soul Boat Crew
I’m finding this process of writing hugely helpful. Yet I've noticed that I write from a place that i’m not really conscious of. Something will suddenly trigger a thought and i have to write it all down. If i’m honest I’m really not sure where it comes from, its a part of me thats not in my day to day being.
But its become a vital part of my process.
I’m a hugely enthusiastic human, and I’m aware that I appear exceptionally strong and positive to most I meet.
I would even make the assumption that from my blog and to those I see, I really appear to have my “shit together”.
But to those who I am closest to? I have realised that they see straight through me.
They see another side of me. An exceptionally messy side. Full of emotions and battles. They see my struggles.
It’s an Excruciatingly Vulnerable realisation. Where one just feels completely naked.
Now , I know I talk a fierce fighting talk about life with a daughter with Rett Syndrome and all the other baggage I have; how one must keep positive and think outside the box. But I also struggle. It is a battle that I fight daily, to make sure the light always prevails over the dark.
With struggles one can slip into some really unhealthy patterns that we don’t even realise we’ve fallen into. We can start to separate ourselves from things to try to distance ourselves from tough feelings, We can become distracted and it’s a subconsciously intentional thing.
A lot of the time we can be consciously unaware of what is happening, but from the outside it is very obvious.
I’ve spoken before about being appreciative and grateful for the cards I’ve been dealt because without them I wouldn’t be who I am, but I also fall short in that thought pattern too.
I was pulled up on something recently. Told a Truth that hit me hard. If I’m really honest, it really hurt to hear.
Why? Because it was true and I knew it was true, and I didn’t think others could see it. Because I knew It was something I had to acknowledge, but I didn’t want too. Because it’s a part of me that I don’t like to let out.
Being a human being is hard work.
Sometimes I’d like to just stop the world for a bit and hop off. Take a break. Re-group. Work out what the fuck I’m doing and then once I’m sorted, hop back on again and continue. Sometimes in all the good stuff and the crap stuff you lose yourself a little, like I said before, you subconsciously find distractions.
Your greatest allies are not those who always tell you the good stuff or tell you what you want to hear. Your greatest friendships are with those that hold you accountable for yourself. Tell you the truth and make you strive to be the best version of yourself. They help you heal. Even if that means denting your ego in the process.
They continuously support you to keep moving forward and to be greater.
“Relationships should be mirrors for Mutual evolution”
Those words are not my own, some incredible therapist coined that, but isn’t that the truth?!
I’ve reflected hard , cried a bit, asked myself some tough questions and answered them truthfully, taken some deep breaths and put my big girl pants on, I’ve consciously made some changes.
And do you know what? I feel much better for it.
I was held accountable, pulled up and subtly told that, quite frankly?
Get your head out of the sand and confront whatever it is that you are struggling with.
Although my Ego might hate to say it, that wonderful soul was so fucking right.
The beauty of souls is that they are safe.
Ok, so our human being can be a tricky old fish. We have to battle ego, baggage, patterns, learnt behaviour, the list goes on. But your soul? When you are living a little more from your soul and not your human, there is a lot more clarity and peace.
What I’ve realised is that some people bring out the more human side of you, and others? Others, they help you unpack your human baggage, however messy it might be, and bring you back to your soul.
They help you to honour every part of yourself , the stuff you’d like to hide away or otherwise.
They stand by you, whilst you practice sailing your soul boat, and they continue to stand by you when you capsize a few times; they help you set sail again, whenever you need it.
They are your Soul Boat Crew.
And Fuck am I Lucky to have mine.
